The secret vows of my heart!

Why don’t you get your favorite cuppa and sit with me for a little bit...I am sipping my hot cocoa made with coconut milk and a pinch of cayenne pepper...let’s talk for a bit... This morning I got quite the quiet time... I heard few times before, that making vows to yourself, after you’ve got hurt or had your dreams or your heart broken , is not a good thing to do...I never quite understood why....I am reading the book Captivating by Staci Eldredge, and I got to the place where she writes about vows and what they do to us... I don’t know about you, but every time I’ve been hurt I managed to make a vow to myself, most of them were not even spoken with words, just decisions of my heart.. I finally grasp the fact that when we make vows, in that moment of hurt, even though they are understandable, even though they sound amazingly reasonable, they are very damaging, and the reason is because it shuts us down, shuts down our hearts...there is no openness, especially to love, vulnerability and God... When words are spoken , especially painful ones, when things are being done to us, when we are publicly or privately criticized or shamed, when we have our dreams shattered, well these things shape us. Something inside of us simply changes. We keep listening and hearing the messages of our own wounds, and in that moment many of us make vows... Unfortunately vows or no vows with those things happening to us many times we come to accept an unhealthy view of ourselves, which will push us to ways of relating to our world and those around us. What do we do in those painful moments?...well at least I do, we make a simple vow, with or without spoken words to never be in that place again. We start to strategize so we can protect ourselves from being hurt again. Sounds reasonable and very understandable...

But... But the biggest issue is that with vows we continue to live out of a broken, wounded heart, living a self-protective life. We might not even be aware of it, but it’s our way of trying to protect ourselves. After all we are faithful to our vows, many times our vows fuel our next steps and our tomorrows... I developed a shame based mentality at a very early age...making vows...I am a lefty, but back in the day, with communism in full blown, being a lefty wasn’t the popular thing...my 1st grade teacher agreed with my parents that she was ok with it, you see back then the teacher had a choice to take you or not into her class, if you were a lefty...I still remember clearly the class, the blackboard, the laughters, the shaming...She just loved to ask me out to the blackboard and “make” me write with my right hand...I simply couldn’t do it...so she asked the class to laugh at me...I was made the laughingstock of a over 20 some kids classroom...when the bell would ring, she would place me in the corner and asked the kids to walk by and make fun of me...sooner or latter my parents started to notice my strange behavior at home, and the fact that I would come home with red cheeks...thankfully I cannot remember the spanking, somehow I managed to block that out of my mind for good...I still remember the evening when my father got me and the 2 of us went to the teacher’s house...my dad did not give into her explanations...she tried to reason that she only wanted me to succeed in life, and help me to become an artist...that evening was the last time I saw of her ...no my father did not hurt her... Next day my father took me to a different school...nevertheless the incident marked me for life...well most of my life...I developed a very shamed based mentally, I’ve never been enough for myself , or I was way too much for myself, and needless to say I felt the same with everybody around me...even with God...I’ve never stopped proving...working harder, pleasing just a notch more.. Few years back I dealt with this part of my past, and forgave her and moved on...but this morning as I was reading my book, as Staci was writing about shame and vows, the story came to mind...and as I was thinking I remembered my father standing up for me...how thankful I am for such amazing parents, who decided in such a hurtful season to believe me , and fight for me, stand beside me and take my side...as I was thinking this, I sensed the Holy Spirit whispering into the deepest of my soul, if my earthly father could do this, how much more my Heavenly Father would do the same, never leave me, nor forsake me, always stay by me, and when things happen, cuz did and they will, He will take my side...I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing down...I know this from experience... I share this with you, to encourage you, I do not know where you are in life, what is your story, your background, your wounds, your shame, your vows, but I know for sure that He is loving, faithful and always ready to defend you, always by your side....maybe you never got to experience this with your earthly daddy, but no matter what your Heavenly Father never gives up in you... I would invite and encourage you to give up your vows, let them go and let your heart open up, open to love, to trust, to forgive, to dream, to let go...might not happen over night, might take some hard work, might take tears and crazy emotions, but it’s worth it, because after all you are really freeing you ,leaving shame, pain, and all what come with those behind! Let those wounds blossom into purpose and healing and joy, instead of shame, disappointment and vows!